PPV Predictions – WWE Hell In A Cell 2009


Originally posted on the current DTM Rambles blog in October 2009.
Updated musings can be found at dtm666.com

This is the first PPV Predictions on this blog, where I take a wrestling PPV and make some predictions. Even though this is a scripted form of entertainment, people still make bold bets and predictions as to how the show will progress. I’ve done this on and off on my other blog and decided to continue the tradition here. I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself an expert or “smart fan”, just someone who has followed this style for ten years. With that bit of expository bullcrap out of the way, we begin the tale in question.

So, WWE has gone off the deep end with these stipulation-themed pay-per-views as of late. First it was Breaking Point, where the main events were all either submission matches or I Quit matches. And now WWE has decided to have a Hell In A Cell PPV, where you’re guaranteed multiple HIAC matches in one night… and chances are all of them are going to not very good. Listen, I’m sorry to say, but a Hell In A Cell in this more family-friendly WWE product (if you want to call it such) is not much of a good idea. Unless there’s blood or even an insane stunt pulled off to really emphasis the dangers of the match, it’s just nothing more than a cage match featuring a bigger cage surrounding the ringside area. I mean, does anyone remember the final days of WCW when they had cage matches? Remember the cage they used. It was similar in design to Hell In A Cell, but it wasn’t called that. It was called cage matches. At this point, the Hell In A Cell should be considered a relic of a past era long gone and should be retired as such. But you know those wacky WWE bookers…

Like the previous PPV before it, only main event worthy matches take place in the Cell. The rest are your generic cookie-cutter matches with no stipulations imposed whatsoever. So click on the rollover link to check out some of my thoughts and predictions. UPDATED WITH WINNERS AND MY TALLY.

WWE Divas Championship
Mickie James (c) vs. Alicia Fox

The so-called “sexiest women on television” are not necessarily the most talented women on television. Quite honestly, whenever a Divas segment comes on, I usually focus my attention elsewhere and during a PPV that someone else payed for, it’s a good time for a piss break. Also, it’s been so long since there was a significant women’s wrestler worthy of my time that I don’t pay attention to know any of the women they do have. I usually just refer to them as Blonde #1829 and whatnot.

The good news is that this match features two women that aren’t blond. The bad news is that I still don’t care enough to warrant an opinion or even a pick. Just for kicks, I’ll go with Mickie James, because out of all the Divas on display, she can actually wrestle and is probably the best person to bring dignity to a title that needs it.

Winner: Mickie James
Score: 1-0

Unified WWE Tag Team Championship
Chris Jericho & Big Show (c) vs. Batista & Rey Mysterio

I’m going to go ahead and pick Batista & ReyRey to win, because big Dave just came back from an injury and we need to give him a title… but we don’t want to give him the World title. So let’s give him the tag belts instead. Maybe by having someone else do the work for him, there’ll be less of a chance he’ll get hurt again.

It may seem like I’m poking Batista – and I am – but I feel it’s warranted somewhat. I mean it’s just seems like every time the guy has a World title shot, he either chokes on the big match or he gets hurt  while winning the title and then loses it a week later before going on hiatus. At least as a tag champion, his load will be less and he won’t get hurt.

Winner: Chris Jericho & Big Show retains
Score: 1-1

Triple Threat Match for the WWE United States Championship
Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Jack Swagger vs. The Miz

This is a tough one to call, probably because I haven’t been following this as much as I could have, but I’ll probably pick Kingston to retain the title, mostly because it would be stupid to have him lose the belt in a meaningless three-way match.

Winner: Kofi Kingston retains
Score: 2-1

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
John Morrison (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

Picking Ziggler to retain so that Morrison could move on to bigger things.

Winner: John Morrison
Score: 2-2

Hell In A Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
CM Punk (c) vs. Undertaker

Even though I would rather see Punk retain, the Undertaker is most likely going to win this one. He got the screwjob last week and it’s only appropriate that he returns the favor by winning the belt. Although I would have preferred that

Winner: Undertaker
Score: 3-2

Hell In A Cell Match for the WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs. Randy Orton

The appropriate thing to do would be to have John Cena retain the title here and have Orton get the belt back somewhere down the line. Now I’m not exactly the biggest Cena fan out there, but I don’t really think the guy should lose here so that the championship’s credibility is instantly destroyed once again with quick time title changes. Yes, this is entertainment, but that’s no excuse. If you don’t treat your props with respect and prestige deserving of its status, people aren’t going to care.

Winner: Randy Orton
Score: 3-3

Hell In A Cell Tag-Team Match
DX (HHH & HBK) vs. Legacy (Ted DiBiase Jr. & Cody Rhodes)

Again, DX got the loss last month and in the Cell… I’ll take the chance and give it to Legacy. But I’m expecting something to happen that will tip the victory. Possibly an extra ally or maybe even a doublecross… we’ll see.

Winner: DX (fuck you guys)
Score: 3-4

Anyway, that’s about it for me. My tally sucks… maybe next time.

This entry was posted in PPV Predictions (2002-2011), Wrestling Musings. Bookmark the permalink.

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