Yep. I’m doing picks for a TNA PPV. Go figure.
It’s TNA Sacrifice. The first PPV of the new age where Impact sees a return to Thursdays after being humbled and tapping out (and they can sugar-coat it any way they want, but that is the case) and the tag champs are Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. What a pile of shit. Fuck you, TNA.
Okay, okay. Let’s get this over with. Updated with results.
#1 Contendership for the TNA World Tag-Team Championships
Beer Money Vs. MotorCity Machine Guns Vs. Team 3D
A three-way for a shot at the tag-team titles… okay, sounds good despite the fact we already saw this match on Impact (plus one other team). I’d have to say that Team 3D is going to get the win; not because they deserve it (they’ve won like a million tag titles, do they really need more?), but because we need to build up to that dream match of watching the Dudley Boyz duking it out with the Outsiders.
Pick: Team 3D
Winner: Motor City Machine Guns… well, that’s a surprise. A nice one at that. (0-1)
Career vs. Title
Tara vs. Madison Rayne (c)
One advantage TNA has over WWE; I actually – to a certain extent – give a damn about the women matches. In any case, Madison’s going to retain the title and Lise Marie goes bye-bye (and maybe back to WWE, who knows?) as a result.
Pick: Madison Rayne
Winner: Madison Rayne. Bye, Vicky. (1-1)
TNA Global Championship Match
Rob Terry (c) vs. Orlando Jordan
Are you sure Rob Terry is the “freak” in this match? Hey, I’ve no problem with Orlando Jordan’s orientation; that’s his deal. I have a problem with his stereotypical weird portrayal. Can’t any of these bisexual folks play characters that doesn’t come across as effeminate? With that said, Terry retains.
Pick: Rob Terry
Winner: Rob Terry (2-1)
Desmond Wolfe vs. Abyss
So here’s the deal. If Desmond Wolfe wins, he gets Hulk Hogan’s WWE Hall of Fame ring… surprised this isn’t the fucking main event. If Abyss wins, he gets the girl. I highly doubt that Abyss is going to lose since he’s powered by the Hulkamaniacs or whatever Hulkster bullshit is being stirred up today. Sorry, Nigel.
Winner: Abyss (3-1)
TNA X-Division Championship
Kazarian (c) vs. Doug Williams
You know, I have to sympathize with Williams here. The guy gets stuck overseas and just like that he’s stripped of the title? That little Hulkster is always thinking of pissing me off. Here’s hoping that Doug gets HIS title back, but sadly Kazarian is going to retain the title. But hey, look on the bright side: at least it’s over a TNA title and not a WWE foam belt or something.
Winner: Doug Williams. Well, at least I can say I’m glad I’m wrong in this case. (3-2)
TNA World Tag-Team Championships
Ink Inc. vs. The Outsid–, er, I mean, The Band (c, fuck you TNA)
As much as it pains me, Hall and Nash will retain in this match. Fuck you, TNA.
Pick: The Outsiders… I mean, Da Band. (fuck you, TNA)
Pick: The Outsiders… I mean, Da Band. (4-2… fuck you, TNA)
Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Anderson
If Anderson wins, Jeff has to give up his stash of drugs. If Jeff wins, Anderson gives up his prized microphone and personal choice… see, if those were the actual stipulations to this match, I might be inclined to order the PPV right then and there. Alas, it isn’t. And so I say Hardy wins.
Pick: Jeff Hardy
Winner: Jeff Hardy (5-2)
By the way… Anderson’s Asshole promo? Best one he’s ever done.
Sting Vs. Jeff Jarrett
What, again? Jeff wins.
Pick: Jeff Jarrett
Winner: Sting wins. (5-3)
TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Rob Van Dam (c) vs. AJ Styles
RVD wins and AJ wishes he hadn’t said that bit about Hulk Hogan five years ago.
Winner: RVD (6-3)
And so that’s it. I’m done for now. Next week, WWE’s Under The Limit PPV.
And oh yeah, fuck you, TNA.