A PPV tonight you say? Fuck if I knew that…
Anywhoo, tonight is WWE’s Elimination PPV… oh, I mean Elimination Chamber PPV… sorry, but I just went by what Johnny Ace called it. After all, this guy’s the Executive VP of Talent Relations… despite having no actual talent aside from kissing ass. Anyway, time to revive a dishonored tradition around these parts and shoot out some random thoughts and predictions. Should be pretty simple stuff, really.
UPDATED WITH RESULTS AND MATCH THOUGHTS
Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Championship
CM Punk (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Kofi Kingston
They got six guys in here, but really, this match is all about two people. Quite honestly, I can see either CM Punk retaining the title or Chris Jericho winning it here so that the two of them will fight it out for the title at Mania. All things consider, my (fake, non-existent) money is on Punk retaining.
Pick: CM Punk
Winner: CM Punk (1-0)
Post-match thoughts: Jericho gets KOed? That’s a pretty cheap way to get him out of the match. In any case, good match. Everyone stepped up and the end result was a nice opener for the PPV. Kudos.
WWE Divas Championship
Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Tamina
This should be interesting, if nothing else. Beth Phoenix actually has some talent and Tamina has them Superfly genes in her. At the very least, they should be able to pull off a respectable offering that is miles ahead of the usual cookie-cutter Divas crap that they stick Kelly Kelly or whoever in there. As far as a pick goes, I think that Beth is going to retain the title here so that she’d be quick and easy fodder for Kharma Kong in the near future, but I wouldn’t call this an easy win either. As long as they keep Nattie Neidfart out of the equation, this will probably be good.
Pick: Beth Phoenix
Winner: Beth Phoenix retains (2-0)
Post-match thoughts: Someone pointed out somewhere that Tamina kind of, sort of looks like an old-style Klingon as they would have appeared back in the original Star Trek. I kind of, sort of see it… but kind of, sort of don’t. In any case, the match was alright. Nothing special, but considering the Diva tripe that gets put out, this could almost be on par with Flair/Steamboat for all I care.
Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Daniel Bryan Danielson (c) vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show vs. The Great Khali vs. Santino Marella
They swapped Randy Orton for Santino Marella… joy… um, yeah, who cares? I have this gut feeling that Daniel Bryan Danielson is going to retain and then he and Sheamus will have that Wrestlemania match they didn’t get last year. Honestly, I really hope that happens.
Pick: Daniel Bryan Danielson
Winner: Daniel Bryan Danielson (3-0)
Post-match thoughts: Very good chamber match, to be honest. Bryan looked like a champion and even Santino came off as someone who could have won it. Had my doubts about this one, but this turned out to be pretty good. However, the sad part is that the Cena/Kane Ambulance “Piss Break” is the main event and not either of the Chamber matches for which the PPV is named after. Fail.
Oh yeah, Sheamus picks Bryan as his champion of choice with a good ol’ kick to the noggin… as expected. Should I give myself another point? Why not? (4-0)
Tossed in as a bonus match, United States Champion Jack Swagger defeats Justin Gabriel in a “Last Minute Addition That We Didn’t Bother To Advertise Because We Figure Nobody Would Give A Shit” Match. A match that isn’t worth bragging or complaining about since it was relatively short and painless… has no place on a $55 PPV, but short and painless nonetheless.
John Cena vs. Kane
This is supposed to be an Ambulance match… or something. I’m probably going to call this by another name that I usually associate with the Divas matches; piss break. Yeah, this is another win for John Cena since he needs the momentum coming into his match with Dwayne, but anyone expecting a Cena heel turn to come out of this is going to be disappointed. I don’t see it happening and even if Cena does “embrace the hate” or whatever it’s supposed to be, it won’t last long. Honestly, I don’t know why they’re trying to tease a Cena heel turn; people are going to crap on him regardless of his orientation.
Pick: John Cena
Winner: John Cena (5-0)
Post-match thoughts: So instead of either of the two EC matches as the main event, we have a shitty, worthless Ambulance Match… In any case, John Cena overcomes the odds, I don’t give a shit… seriously, I just don’t. Is this supposed to make me cheer for Cena? Because it doesn’t. If anything, it makes me care less. And do you want to know the sad part about this? None of this stuff makes even care ONE IOTA about Cena/Rock at Mania. Not at all… that’s going to be a subject for debate.
Pre-Show Thoughts: Four matches in all… and two of them are Elimination Chamber matches… meh… I’m not feeling this show, actually… oh well…
Post-Show Thoughts: Elimination Chamber was the textbook example of a “placeholder” show in which nothing of major significance happened here. As far as the PPV goes, the Chamber matches were certainly the highlights of this PPV as far as I’m concerned and if you bought the PPV purely for these matches, then you certainly got your money’s worth. The rest of the show was a big whiff of meh; stuff that I could have easily done without, especially the Johnny Ace stuff and Nattie Neidfart stuff. The Divas match was alright for what it was worth, but Cena/Kane just blew chunks and as far as shows prior to Wrestlemania goes, this was one of the weaker ones. Overall, this was a show that people could skip over and miss nothing – hence the placeholder moniker – but the Chamber matches do make up for it, so it’s fairly alright on that count. Not amazing, but alright.